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Just one day at a time, baby…

Friday, December 31, 2010

You know those days you have where everything seems a bit surreal and nothing makes sense?

The past week has been so whacked out.  Beaux was arrested on Monday or rather very early Tuesday evening (of last week) for a DUI and driving on a suspended license.  This was after I left the party in somewhat of a huff because he decided it was a good idea to dry hump a white girl that was there flirting with him, actually, she was flirting with damn near every male at the party but I was still pissed. I was in Federal Way by the time, he called me again on Terrance’s phone.  I can’t help but think the only reason why he called was because Terrance was so drunk he couldn’t drive and he had no way of getting home.  But of course, I couldn’t just leave him there.  I couldn’t just leave it as is, I didn’t want to run away because that’s all I ever do is run away.

I drive back to the bar and park in the back.  He calls me again and I tell him where I am and he comes running.  I wonder sometimes how long this “relationship” would have lasted if I hadn’t had a reliable mode of transportation and enough money of my own to handle the both of us.  I have no children and other than my usual bills, nothing really outstanding to pay for.

He loads his equipment into my car and then decides that he’s going to drive Terrance’s car home.  He peels out of the parking lot and proceeds to speed down Aurora at about 70 miles an hour for some reason.  I’m doing 50 and wondering what the hell is he thinking.  Terrance is laughing and when he sees the cop car pull behind him, he says, “Watch this shit.”

Lights flash.

We follow the cars into the parking lot at Goldie’s and wait to see what happens.  A couple of minutes later, what I had been hoping wouldn’t happen happens.  He’s out of the car and being handcuffed.  Terrance looks at me and says, “Calm down.  Everything is going to be okay.”

Of course, I’m not calm. Of course, I’m freaking the fuck out.

Terrance very calmly looks at me and says, “Do you want me to fix this?”  I don’t answer him but I’m sure the answer was obvious.  He gets out of the car (which I know is a bad idea) and he goes walking towards the cops.  I follow him to try to get him back inside the car.  The cop starts yelling at him to get back in the car.  I don’t remember precisely what he said but the gist was that if we didn’t get back in the car, we would be going to jail ourselves.

I yank Terrance back to the car and we get in.

As we’re waiting in the car, the cop comes and taps on the window, he asks as he holds up some keys, looking at Terrance, “Is this your car?”  He asks him if he’s drunk, which he freely admits he is since he’s not driving and the cop looks at me.  I smile at him.  He asks me if I’m sober and I reply that yes I am.  I try to determine where they are taking Beaux and they won’t tell me.

By this time, my stomach is in knots and I feel like I’m about to throw up.  What do I do?

I move Terrance’s truck to the parking lot across the street since otherwise it would get impounded and then Terrance demands that I take him to Jack in the Box while we try to figure out what to do.

After speculating aimlessly, I decide to head back to the house and call one of his friends, George.

Terrance hands me his wallet and all of his money, approximately $80 to help with bail if it’s needed.  I thank him and he passes out in his bedroom.

It’s about 3 o’clock in the morning by this point and I call George.  He picks up the third time I call him and explain the situation, he’s just gotten to sleep and not quite awake but he’s no help really.

Finally, I decide to the call the Shoreline Police Department and it’s routed to some sort of all purpose number in King County.  They tell me where he is and take my name and number to have someone call me back.

An hour later, I get a call from the same officer that took him in and he curtly replies that if Beaux doesn’t become more cooperative he won’t be out on bail. The conversation ends.

I try to sleep but sleep eludes me.  So instead I decide to do something self destructive, I snoop in my boyfriends computer.  I know it’s wrong, I hate myself while I do it but now the genie is out of the bottle.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  Now I know things that I don’t want to know. I’ve confirmed things that I wish I hadn’t.  And I can’t confront him about it because then I’ll have to tell on myself.  I’m so fucking stupid.

I spend hours reading things that I shouldn’t.  Making myself more and more heartsick.

Soon it’s morning and I call Shoreline Police Department again to ask about bail, I’m told that I can bail him out at noon but his court date is the same day at 2:30 p.m.  I drive up to Everett where the Snohomish County Jail is housed.  I end up spending all day up there waiting for him to be released.  Almost paying bail at one point but then deciding not to since his court date was so soon.

He was finally released at around 5:50 pm.  What’s funny is that I was there up until 5:20 ish or so when someone told me that he probably wouldn’t be released until around 11 pm.  I knew as I was driving home that he would call and sure enough, he did.  Turned right around and went back and got him.  He was standing on the street corner in his t-shirt, freezing his ass off.

His first question being, “Are you hella pissed at me?”

And the thing was, I wasn’t pissed at him.  I was more worried about him than anything else.  What happens now? His arraignment is scheduled for the first day back from Winter Break, January 3rd.  Nice.  We go back to the house and he takes a shower, we take a nap since neither one of us has really gotten any sleep.  He talks about stopping drinking, fears for his future freedom.  I don’t know what to say, it’s all so much to take in I can’t think of anything to say.  I try to be a combination of supportive, reassuring and give him a kick in the pants.

Terrance comes home and we give him the rundown of what happened since they both blacked out that night and they compare notes.  I return his keys and money to him with my thanks.

Before all of this had happened, we were planning for a two day getaway to the Oregon Coast.  A relaxing stay at the Starfish Inn, which sits directly on Agate Beach and boasts a beautiful view of the ocean.  I can attest to the truth of that since I’m sitting here tapping away with the pounding surf in my ears.  Do we stay or do we go?

It’s determined that we go.  He could use a couple of days out of town and I was just want to get away from it all and spend some time with him.  The drive down here was interesting, I didn’t get off of the right exit and ended up driving a longer route, we’re going to hit Jake’s Crawfish House in PDX on the way back home on Thursday.  It was a pretty drive down here though and we managed to talk throughout the drive about a number of subjects, I was a little worried about that.

I think he was a little surprised by how nice the lodgings were, although I can’t think of why.  I like staying at really nice places and they were running a special this week to probably try to fill the rest of the rooms.

So now we’re here at the Starfish, I’m doing some writing, he’s getting some work done and watching a little bit of TV.  We ordered some pizza for dinner (which was very, very good) and had a bath together in the Jacuzzi tub, watched movies.  He forced me to watch The Notebook (gag)  I’m just not for romantic movies.  On top of which, I suspect he relates a little bit too much with the main character; if our lives followed the arc of the movie, I would be the war widow.

We took a long walk on the beach and had a fabulous fresh seafood dinner in downtown Newport.  We walked down the boardwalk and did some window shopping, we talked about damn near everything on earth and laughed and loved a lot.

He’s invited me to a Sunday dinner thing with his friends.  These friends are different, their not his work friends, their not his house mate friends.  These are the friends that are also friends with his ex, and so our relationship will get back to her.  Which until now, he’s been hiding.  When he asked me, I asked him in turn, “Are you sure?” and he replied, “Yes.”  We’ll see if it actually comes to fruition but I appreciate the gesture.

Part of me wonders why I managed to fall in love with such a fuck up.  On the way back from my parents house on Christmas, I called him out on still being in love with Michelle, which he tried to deny.  I told him that I didn’t believe him.  He tried to say something about how illogical it was for him to be in love with someone who didn’t want him and I rolled my eyes.  The heart’s not logical, nowhere near, why do you think my dumb ass is still here? What’s the saying again? The heart wants what it wants (and logic be damned.)

Now he’s on this mission to prove to me that he’s fully present in this “relationship”?  Want to know the fucked up thing, I still don’t know what the fuck it is that we’re doing.  Are we dating? Are we in a relationship? He’s met my parents and they liked him.  I just added a line to my cell phone account because he didn’t have a phone and we all know those prepaid joints are awful. I don’t know what I’m doing; this is what happens when two people get together but don’t talk to one another.

I have realized that I have a limit though, there’s a line that if he crosses, I’m gone and I’ve told him as much.  Winter quarter starts on Monday and I cannot lose my focus the way I did this past semester.

I know, I know. I need to talk to him.  For now though, getting my thoughts straight on the page helps a lot.

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