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Why does this have to be so hard?

Monday, November 8, 2010

I know it’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship.  Hell, it’s been awhile since I’ve dated anyone on a regular basis and so now that I am, it’s getting really fucked up and confusing for me.  I’m not in the best headspace about it right now, I’m having a lot of doubts about what it is we’re trying to accomplish, I’m starting to doubt if his feelings are even real.

The crux of the issue comes down to some photos that I saw recently of him and his ex.  Now I can’t unsee them and I can’t stop thinking about it.  We weren’t officially together when the pictures were taken but they obviously look happy and then something happened the next day that made him call me and finish things with her.  I don’t even know if it’s reasonable of me to be bothered by this. I guess what I’m having a problem with is the fact that he seems to have moved from her to me rather quickly.  Is it unreasonable for me to ask him what happened?

And the thing is, I already know the answers to these questions, I’m asking.  We weren’t together when the pictures were taken, I need to let it go but I wish to god I had never seen them.

And then there seem to be my intimacy issues.  There’s that core of self that I don’t want to let anybody into and he’s asking to be let in.  I’m having a real problem with that but I’ve asked him to give me time and he’s accepted that answer for now.  I don’t know how to tell him that until I feel okay about his stability, I can’t give of myself completely.

I’m kind of dreading his call tonight because he always knows when something is wrong and I just don’t want to talk about it.  I don’t like playing games, I don’t like trying to read between the lines because I never get it right, I can’t read anyone’s mind and I don’t expect anyone to be able to read mine.  Why can’t I just say what I want to say and get an equally honest answer back? Of course that’s predicated on the fact that I trust him enough to believe his answers.  I don’t feel like he’s ever lied to me but I do think he’s held back and I can’t judge that since I’ve done the same.

*sigh* I need to find a way to let this go and be okay with it.


One Comment
  1. Lokiale permalink

    I think if you are worried you should be able to talk about it but maybe take some time to figure out what it is exactly you want to ask. Or maybe just what fears you have. You shouldn’t have to feel like this and who knows, maybe it’s something they need to talk about with someone too.
    Take your time, listen to your worries and try to find their source. Most of all remember that you’re pretty awesome and will be able to figure things out one way or another.

    I have a lot of intimacy issues too, and it’s really hard when someone wants in and you’re just not able to do that yet. Take your time. Letting someone in before you’re ready is pretty disastrous from my experience @.@

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