i’m now less than I was… literally.

*god damn*

That’s the word that keeps going through my mind this week as I’m dealing with the after effects and attempting to keep up with everything. It’s been a while since I’ve done an incoherent emo rambling post about life in general, I thought I was about due and maybe it’ll make me feel better to at least get this out in words instead of just festering in my head.

I had my gallbladder taken out on Tuesday.  It wasn’t scheduled, I had no idea that there was something wrong with it.  But at about midnight on Tuesday I had the most excruciating pain in my chest and back area, it was so bad I threw up, it was so bad I couldn’t drive myself to the ER and I was so scared about what was happening to me that I called 911.  My roommates weren’t home, had I been thinking more clearly I might have called someone to come get me but yeah, when you can’t breathe and you think your having some sort of stroke, reason kind of takes a back seat.

I was in the ER for about two hours before I was seen by a doctor and it was about another hour before someone came by to alleviate my pain by that time Carmen had found me and was good enough to sit for me for a very long time while they figured out what the hell was wrong with me.  A CBC, EKG and ultrasound later a surgeon walks in to tell me that it’s my gallbladder, it needs to be removed and they will be removing it now.

Like I said before, I didn’t even know anything was wrong with the damn thing and now they want to remove it posthaste.  I gave consent and things moved along very speedily.  I remember being in pre-op but I don’t remember when anesthesia was administered, just when I woke up in recovery and there was this little blonde lady sitting next to me, staring at my chest, counting my breaths.

Not too long after, I was whisked off to my room where I stayed for a day before being discharged.  And through it all, Carmen came, went and stayed with me. Your a trooper ,lady and I love you.  Thanks Tjada for bringing me something to alleviate my boredom, I put it together and it’s sitting on my bookcase now.

I didn’t tell too many people what happened, in some ways it really is no big deal to me and in some ways, I just don’t want to burden them.  My mother’s been having some health issues lately, she told me a week ago that she’s been coughing up blood and her voice has been getting week.  She’s had a battery of tests done this week and tomorrow at 2:20 pm she goes in to see the doctor and sees what the verdict is.  She’s convinced herself that it’s lung cancer, she says that her symptoms are the same as her father’s when he was diagnosed with it and she’s already given my sister the whole “some people die early” speech.

I’m a bit of a wreck tonight and what’s bad is that I don’t want to inflict it on anyone else and so I’m going a bit stir crazy.  Waiting for tomorrow is just fucking me up.  I tried to go for a walk and I turned around and went right back home.  I tried playing a video game and I wanted to smash my laptop.  Contemplating a drive but if I do that, I might not want to come back tomorrow and I have to be back by 2 pm.  My mind is too preoccupied for homework or sleep, I’ve caught up on my little shows and it’s early yet tonight.  I’m very tempted to see what drinking will do to my new gallbladder-less body but too scared as well.  I’m such a pansy.

I really need a hug and someone to try to convince me that it’s going to be okay.  And the one person who I wouldn’t mind that sentiment coming from is probably passed out in a drunken stupor or with someone else.