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Serenity now…!!

Monday, May 11, 2009
Serenity now…!!

I had initially begun this blog post as a really whiny one, because I’m feeling quite rundown at the moment.  Je suis tres fatigue.  Everything’s finally catching up to me and I was quite cranky about it.  Symptoms being: (but are not limited to) stomping around (silently) at work, half assed reading and response papers, and unkempt hair (which is godawful since I can’t control the goddamned curls as it is).

Oddly enough, the Tao te Ching came to mind.  I can’t control anything outside of me, I can only control my actions and reactions (as it were).

Which silenced the mutinous voices in my head and replaced them with others.  Other voices that were quiet and content. In looking back at my life, in the past couple of years, what exactly do I have to moan and groan about?

Absolutely nothing.

So many good things have happened in the last year alone, so many good things keep happening.  While I may bitch and moan about aspects of my current job, I’m so very lucky to have one in this economy. Particularly in this industry that’s been hit hard and people have been scaling back on their spending.  I bought a brand spanking new car and financed it with great terms and my credit score is a number that I thought I’d never see.  I’m healthy, I have wonderful family & friends.  Friends who’ve been with me a loooong time and lots of new friends.  I’ll be done with school next summer and will probably have my first book draft finished by the end of this summer.  I spent some time with my sister and got to explore NYC, went to Vegas (giggled at someone as she ralphed in the elevator).  Contemplating an international jaunt with my 2 weeks in December. I live in a house that has character (to say the least), money in the bank, food in the fridge and plans to attend PAX09 in August.

Life is good.

Rach asked me if I felt bad or depressed about turning 32, about being older.  Hell, I think I feel more bad about not feeling 32 than lamenting about another inevitable turn of the wheel.  This will probably change if I ever get married or when I have a child (I keep hearing that the little monsters age you rapidly) but until then I’m happyto be a 32 year old who loves tearing it up at the Family Fun Center, sometimes (rarely) spending an obscene amount of money on shoes or ballet tickets, or up all night reading or playing a video game.

Yes, I’ve made a shit load of painful mistakes but I’m fortunate to be in a position that those mistakes haven’t cost me everything.  I’m not going to spend my life looking back and wishing all the pain away.  I’m not going to spend my life ignoring that it happened but recognize that it’s a part of me and to ignore it would be akin to living a half life.  And so I’ll recognize the past, live in the present and look to the future with no small amount of anticipation.

Be one with the dust of the way,
Then you can’t be controlled by love or by rejection.
You can’t be controlled by profit or by loss.
You can’t be controlled by praise or by humiliation. Tao Te Ching, Chapter 56

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