I’m really disappointed with myself tonight. The disappointment stems from my seemingly inability to open my mouth and speak words in a coherent sentence towards a group of people.

We watched a short 30 minute video tonight about the morbidity/mortality rates of infants born to African American women as compared to white women. The results were that black women were 3 times more likely to give birth prematurely than white women. It was assumed that the cause was due to socio-economic factors such as no healthcare, poor health, poverty, etc. It was posited that the statistics of the more wealthy and college educated black women would align more with the statistics of white women. It didn’t. The gap remained. This surprised and confused the doctors conducting the study. They hypothesized that racism may be the characteristic that caused the numbers.

Afterwards, we went to seminar. And for the first 30 minutes the conversation was a big display of various people playing oppression politics. There were roughly about 25 people in the room, 2 of us were nonwhite. All I kept thinking was, “why is it when the topic of racism within a specific topic comes up, everyone immediately tries to discredit it?” I wanted to say something, but I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to say and so in the end, I said nothing. At some point, the other woman of color, said something like, “well, I’ve never experienced racism directed towards me. I think it’s generational.” and I wanted to ask her, so does that mean it doesn’t exist then? If you haven’t personally experienced something, does that invalidate my experiences?

Part of it’s fatigue. I definitely got the sense that the professor wanted me to jump in and say more but I just didn’t have it in me. I was too sure that my comments would be dismissed. That silencing tactics would be used. That we’d get to play a round of BINGO. And that was wrong of me, I don’t know them. I don’t know that that is what would have happened. I wish I had more faith in people, and I feel guilty that I automatically assume that they’ll let me down.

Class is over for this week, and I have my readings to do for Tuesday, we don’t meet for seminar again until Thursday. I’m hoping that I can find my voice in this class and share my perspective in these issues. I’m always lamenting the fact that black female voices are marginalized, erased or ignored. I have an opportunity to fill that void in my educational environment and I should take it. Til next time…

Reading Sonny’s Blues by James Baldwin really made me rethink about a lot of the decisions that my dad’s made and how he must, at times, either regret or second guess those decisions.  It also reminded me that the issues that face the black community really haven’t changed all that much.  You can find a myriad of themes to talk about in the story, the one that struck me most was the portrayal of the dual existence of African American’s.  You have the good brother, the narrator, who has completely assimilated, left the neighborhood, left the family and in the eyes of many become successful.  He has become apart of the black middle class.  While his brother, Sonny, has not assimilated, stayed within the community and been true to his passion by pursuing music as his livelihood and as a result developed a drug addiction to bury some of his pain.

My father made a very active and conscious choice to leave Louisiana.  He felt that by staying, he was dooming himself to a life that wouldn’t grow and that would be repeated by his children.  And I guess in looking back, he wasn’t wrong about that.  His siblings that have moved have made good lives for themselves, while the ones who have stayed have continued the cycle of poverty, and their children (my cousins) seemingly have continued the cycle.  But his leaving didn’t come without a cost, he had to leave the community that he knew behind, he had to leave his family behind and he’s paid for it.  There are the inevitable snide remarks about how he must think that he’s “too good for the family now”, when he goes back to visit there’s definitely a sense that he doesn’t belong anymore and that has to hurt.

My sister and I lived the typical army brat’s life, in that we moved ALOT; and with each move, we were to learn later that my dad again made very conscious choices about where we were to live and the type of people that he did or didn’t want us exposed to.  One of those decisions was to never live in a black neighborhood.  We’ve never actually talked about why he made that decision, I suppose we don’t really need to, the answers are pretty obvious but I’ve always thought that he seemed a little disappointed that Kim and I were never as “black” as he wanted.

I had initially begun this blog post as a really whiny one, because I’m feeling quite rundown at the moment.  Je suis tres fatigue.  Everything’s finally catching up to me and I was quite cranky about it.  Symptoms being: (but are not limited to) stomping around (silently) at work, half assed reading and response papers, and unkempt hair (which is godawful since I can’t control the goddamned curls as it is).

Oddly enough, the Tao te Ching came to mind.  I can’t control anything outside of me, I can only control my actions and reactions (as it were).

Which silenced the mutinous voices in my head and replaced them with others.  Other voices that were quiet and content. In looking back at my life, in the past couple of years, what exactly do I have to moan and groan about?

Absolutely nothing.

So many good things have happened in the last year alone, so many good things keep happening.  While I may bitch and moan about aspects of my current job, I’m so very lucky to have one in this economy. Particularly in this industry that’s been hit hard and people have been scaling back on their spending.  I bought a brand spanking new car and financed it with great terms and my credit score is a number that I thought I’d never see.  I’m healthy, I have wonderful family & friends.  Friends who’ve been with me a loooong time and lots of new friends.  I’ll be done with school next summer and will probably have my first book draft finished by the end of this summer.  I spent some time with my sister and got to explore NYC, went to Vegas (giggled at someone as she ralphed in the elevator).  Contemplating an international jaunt with my 2 weeks in December. I live in a house that has character (to say the least), money in the bank, food in the fridge and plans to attend PAX09 in August.

Life is good.

Rach asked me if I felt bad or depressed about turning 32, about being older.  Hell, I think I feel more bad about not feeling 32 than lamenting about another inevitable turn of the wheel.  This will probably change if I ever get married or when I have a child (I keep hearing that the little monsters age you rapidly) but until then I’m happyto be a 32 year old who loves tearing it up at the Family Fun Center, sometimes (rarely) spending an obscene amount of money on shoes or ballet tickets, or up all night reading or playing a video game.

Yes, I’ve made a shit load of painful mistakes but I’m fortunate to be in a position that those mistakes haven’t cost me everything.  I’m not going to spend my life looking back and wishing all the pain away.  I’m not going to spend my life ignoring that it happened but recognize that it’s a part of me and to ignore it would be akin to living a half life.  And so I’ll recognize the past, live in the present and look to the future with no small amount of anticipation.

Be one with the dust of the way,
Then you can’t be controlled by love or by rejection.
You can’t be controlled by profit or by loss.
You can’t be controlled by praise or by humiliation. Tao Te Ching, Chapter 56

I’m making a lot of really good progress in my creative writing this weekend, of course it’s at the expense of my work in the program, but I have a lot of free time next week with the boss being gone and will be able to catch up… provided I don’t procrastinate or decide that, in my new zeal for writing, forsake all the reading and writing that’s required of me, but I don’t anticipte that happening.  *I hope*

I’ve written about a half a chapter and had it evaluated by Peter Bacho, who’s writing, I love and me being needy today and needing validation, had it validated that yes, I’m off to an excellent start and that I should attempt to finish my novel by the end of the summer.  This should be my goal.  I probably will, if I can mange to worm myself into the Summer Writing Workshop this summer, if it’s offered… *hope, hope* If not, I’ll still make the attempt but I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish it.

I’ve written a partial outline, and a cast of characters.  I’ve finally identified my antagonist and setting, time period.  I just need to continue adding to this chapter.  My setting is Lawton, OK… having lived there previously and now using the creepy street view feature, looked up my old neighborhood, which is barely recognizable.  The school building itself, looks exactly the same, but the playground area is now gone, turned into a parking lot, it looks as if the neighborhood is in decline and I couldn’t identify the house I lived in on Mission Blvd. I think it’s gone, there’s a long row of apartments at the end of the street that were never there when I lived there.  It was a little bittersweet.  I had thought to use the location and set it in the present but I don’t want to use the Lawton that is now, it’s bleak and dreary.  I’ll use the Lawton that was or the Lawton that may never have been except in my own head.

I’ve also come up with a couple of short story ideas that maybe I can finish next week and start to submit them for various publications. I finally bought my textbooks for this quarter and will start my reading tonight.  There’s a group of people going out tonight and I had thought I might join them but I don’t think I’ll be able to, too much reading and then there’s the seminar response and I really want to get a jump on my position paper this week.  Readings are going to start soon, must go.

i have burned many a brain cell on this question in the last week and haven’t really come to any hard conclusions and yet it’s always in the back of my mind, …..

what is work?…

work is an artificial construct used to help shape our worlds

work is an activity that you perform in exchange for currency

Most people do not get to own the product of their work (which is one of the main points of Marxism that i do agree with)

why do we work?

to buy/collect material possessions that make us feel complete or happy

to create a better future for our children

to be able to retire and enjoy leisure

to pursue goals and dreams

i think what i’m having problems with is that, i’m finding it difficult not to view work strictly in the arendtian sense of labor, work and action.  i agree with quite a few of her assertions but it bothers me that i’m having a hard time taking a step back and objectively viewing work from every angle i.e. marx, lao tzu, aurelius, et. al.   i keep coming back to arendt.

And then there’s the problem of defining the human condition and what exactly it is, can their even be a definition? i think previously i tentatively described the human condition as a search or a connection with the sublime.   i suppose by default, if one doesn’t search or have  a connection to the sublime, your not fully human.  is that something that i actually agree with? can i support it? do i even  want to…?  i need to take a break and maybe hash this out verbally w/ carmen….

 Today didn’t start off well to begin with and I’m hoping that it will at least get better as the day goes on.  Lil called to ask when I was going to be depositing her share of my money in the bank account, that’s now $565 a month.  $300 for rent and the remaining to help pay a bill, that while in her name, is my bill.  However, in my defense, I wasn’t able to pay because I was giving her all my money.  I have less take home pay then I did before because of my 401k and now somehow I’m back to giving her close to $600 a month from my monthly paycheck.   I don’t have anything.  I get to survive on $100 until my next payday.  I suppose I would feel better about it, if I didn’t know that she was blowing $50 to $60 a week on buying breakfast on her way to work alone.  I’m just so frustrated.  I feel like I’m always scrounging for money.  I gave her my entire X-mas bonus to pay for her apartment.  I really wasn’t able to buy any x-mas presents for anyone and yet she still expected me to buy something for her and a birthday present to boot.   I want to start to school in the fall but depending on my aid package I might not get to do that since I’m not going to be able pay my EFC, since I’m giving all of my money to her.  On top of which, she’s looking for another job again.  Scratch that… she’s looking for another job again and I’m doing all of the work…  I can’t even find a 2^nd job that will hire me.  I don’t want to start my other job again, but it’s like that’s what she’s driving me to do and I don’t want to that anymore.  Just the thought of it depresses me.  I don’t miss it at all and I’m not doing it again.  Every time the phone rings and I see it’s from her, there’s always this internal sigh and a quick query as to whether I want to pick it up because it’s either going to be bitching about whoever she’s angry at or a request to do something for her.  “Wanna do me a favor?” is going to be etched on her tombstone. I can’t do this anymore.  I was finally starting to feel okay and now all I want to do is cry because I’m so stressed out and frustrated. I don’t even have enough from 1 paycheck to pay her in addition to paying my own bills, so now I’m saving up for 2 paychecks.  I should probably just mention that to her, but I’m thinking it’s pay her now or pay her later. 

Today was the day that wouldn’t end.  It dragged on forever.  It seems as if this weekend will never come.  Maybe it has something to do with the meteor or the lunar eclipse… as Rach put it, “… there be weird ju-ju going on…”

Today kind of ended on a bad note.  I may be stressing myself out over nothing and I hope to god, that’s the case.  Lil called me today over some scheduling bs at her job, I think she was asking for my permission to quit.  I’m really tired of paying her bills.  I love her more than life, but I’ve put so many things on hold because I was paying 2 sets of bills for so long.  And I know what she’s thinking, she has a big tax refund coming and she’ll live on that and her last paycheck until she finds another job, but how long is it going to take before she finds one? What if she doesn’t?  She has yet to stay at any job for longer than 3 months.  Something’s always wrong, she’s never happy.  I’m starting to think that she creates her own problems everywhere she goes.  Because she just doesn’t have problems w/ her job, but also w/ her banks, her friends…

She hasn’t even quit yet, but just the thought of it, is making my head hurt something fierce in addition to making me feel stressed out and wanting to hide in my bedroom until it all goes away.  All I do know is that if she does quit, I don’t think I’m going to be able to speak to her until she finds another job.  And god help her if she asks me for more money.

I’m going to try and summon the will to run to the gym and work out and not binge b/c I feel like crap.  And try… really, really try… not to stress about this until it happens anyway…

it’s been hard trying to get through the days sometimes….

i’ll have my good days but their mostly bad….rarely i’ll have an outstanding day… but i’ll have more outstanding moments… i had just such a moment a couple of days ago while driving home from work… where for just a split second i felt really good… i felt like the last 10 years hadn’t happened…. it was that feeling of exhilaration that you get after racing down a steep hill on your bike in the middle of the road….

….and then it was gone.  i’d give anything to have it back….

 there are too many days that pass in a fog because i can’t face the day… because i hide in my room, close the door and turn off my phone… and hope that i can just disappear…

but those times are shorter….. those times i erect a barricade…. it’s no longer 2 weeks but maybe 2 days…. going out in public isn’t so much of a nightmare anymore…

all i can do is hope that things will get better…. i hope that i work through the fog…and come out on top…